Worth It All

I had a dream about Dad the other night. I have had several dreams since he died in which he is part of the dream but does not speak. This dream was different, however. He was the main character in the dream, and not only was he present but for the first time, he spoke.

We (the family) were all in some sort of meeting room - perhaps a Sunday School room or small fellowship hall of some sort. Dad was younger - his hair was thick and black and styled as it was when he was a teenager and young college student. He was trim, healthy, and he looked rested and well. His demeanor was calm and, though not reserved, not the gregarious and outgoing presence that he often had in public situations. He was fully at ease in the situation, fully relaxed, and fully present. This was the first time any of us had seen Dad since his passing in October. He visited with various family members in quiet tones as Mom and I observed from across the room. Mom said, "Kerry, I need to give your dad some Tylenol or Advil, or something for his elbow. Can you see how it is swelling?" I said, "Mom, look at him. There is nothing wrong with him - he is not in pain, he is not swollen, there aren't even any wrinkles on his skin. He has no need of any medicine anymore."

As dreams go, I found myself in another room listening to Dad visit with some of the family members and it occurred to me that I could ask him some questions that had been rolling around in my mind since his departure. So, I came back into the large room and said, "Dad - who was the first person you saw when you got to Heaven? Was it Aunt Naomi?" (His baby sister who died when he only 6 years old). He said, "No. I have not seen her yet. I was greeted by two men..." and he named the names of some high school classmates who I had never heard of before. I asked him if he was surprised that they were the first to greet him and he said that yes, he was, but that he was very happy to see them.

A few minutes later, I worked up my courage to ask him the most burning question in my mind: "Dad, was it scary? The journey, that is...was it hard?" One of the the things Dad had repeatedly said during his last year of life was, "I am not scared to die; I am only scared of the process of dying." I wanted - yes, needed - to know how that process was for him and if he had felt safe through it. So, "Dad, was it scary?"

He looked up at me, with his kind eyes - that look that always penetrated into my soul - the one that said, "I understand not only what you are saying, but how you must feel." And he said, "That's not the important part now."

That was all. He didn't say anything else, just that one sentence. In the next dream scene, the family was standing at a large window watching a train pull away. I heard myself whisper, "Bye, Dad...see you soon." And then I woke up.

I don't know how you think about death, and what will come for each of us in that moment. But, I often wonder what it will feel like to make the final journey home. Over the last year and a half I have had the privilege of walking with my dad as he adjusted to his own impending final journey. I don't know everything he thought about; I don't know if he lay awake at night imagining what it would be like. What I do know is this: he was confident in his faith and in his end destination. During his last visit with his doctor he asked, "Are we getting to the end, Dr.?" "Getting there...getting closer..." the doctor replied. "I'm not scared of dying...I know where I'm going." "That's good! It's that hope that we cling to," the doctor said. "Listen," dad said. "If I cannot believe it now, then everything I have ever proclaimed to be true in the last 50 years is a lie. I am not afraid of dying; I am only scared of the process...mostly because I don't want to see my family hurting. My gain will be their loss, and I hate to see their pain."

The days after my dream have been a time of reflection for me. I have pondered Dad's words: "That's not the important part now." I don't know if our loved ones in Heaven can see our lives here. Part of me thinks that they must have limited awareness or else the writer of Hebrews wouldn't refer to them as our "cloud of witnesses" who are watching us run the earthly race. If Dad has been able to observe us over the last three months, perhaps he has wanted us to know this: that whether the journey was scary or not is not important, because the end result is worth any discomfort in getting to that result. Maybe Dad wants me to know that his perspective has changed; maybe he wants to help my perspective to change.

Dad loved to preach about heaven. He loved to talk about spending time with Jesus in the place He is preparing for us. He would quote passages like, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us," (Romans 8:18), and "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" (2 Corinthians 4:17).

And how he would sing about heaven! "When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be...when we all see Jesus, we'll sing and shout the victory!" The smile on his face as he sang was proof that he deeply believed heaven was worth the wait.

As I have reflected on my dream, and Dad's admonition to me, I have been reminded of the song he often sang,

It will be worth it all, when we see Jesus;
Life's trials will seem so small, when we see Christ.
One glimpse of His dear face,
All sorrow will erase;
So bravely run the race, 'til we see Christ!

In my dream, Dad was telling me, "Don't focus on the journey. It's not the important part. The destination is your prize. It is worth any of the pain you may experience in order to get there. It will be worth it all when you arrive in heaven, when you see Jesus." Dad seemed to know that I needed that assurance. He seemed to know that my mind and heart have been swirling since he left, wishing I knew how his journey finished. He seemed to know that my faith needed a boost.

Maybe, just maybe...my dream was more than a dream...maybe it was Dad being Dad...reminding me once again that this life is only preparation for heaven. And what I struggle with now is nothing compared to the glory that is to come. Maybe Dad is running along beside me, saying, "bravely run the race...I promise you it will be worth it!"

Wherefore, seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus - the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

Springtime in Halstead

So, it's springtime in Halstead, Kansas. Really. I'm not joking. It's April 10, so that means that Spring has been here for almost three weeks already.

Somebody should tell Mother Nature that Spring arrived...

Call me stubborn, but it's Spring, and that means we should be able to go outside, play at the park, and enjoy the sunshine!

So, the playground equipment is out...
   I know! Let's have a picnic!!

Mother Nature volunteered to bring the ice...
   Not exactly what we had in mind.

How about a nature walk?

Or maybe a stroll down the street to look at the budding and flowering trees...

Springtime in Halstead...the sledding hill is donning its summer attire...

And the trees by the swimming pool are getting dolled up for their summer fashion show...

Down by the river, the sounds of rushing water tell us Spring has arrived!

 Soon this happy place will be filled with children's laughter, couples holding hands on the bridge, and fisherman spinning their tales by the shoreline.

Before we know it we will be in the Dog Days of Summer. Old Glory will fly proudly as we celebrate our nation's birthday...

We will enjoy the cool shade of the many tall trees...

And tell stories of the olden days...

So, welcome to Halstead! It's Springtime...

And it's a GREAT day to be a DRAGON!!

In the bulb, there is a flower,

in the seed, an apple tree.

In cocoons a hidden promise,

butterflies will soon be free.

In the cold and snow of winter

there's a SPRING that waits to be

UNREVEALED until its season...

something GOD alone can see.

-- Natalie Sleeth --

A Little Bit Like Job

I'm going to say something and I am 99% sure that someone will respond with something to the effect of, "You need to take this post down because it's just not appropriate." Someone will surely tell me I am a drama queen. And I'm positive someone will tell me to just trust God and everything will be ok. Why do I say this? Because during the past year when I have reached out to my friends through FB or have expressed my personal frustration with the twists and turns of life, I have received these very comments - and far more. But, this is who I am - I am NOT a drama queen; I am NOT an attention seeker. I am a speaker of TRUTH. I do not hide behind some mask just because some things should be kept in secret.

See, I've learned the hard way that secrets only keep things in the dark. Secrets breed the toxins that poison our lives and keep us from living in the TRUTH. And if we, as Christians, do not show the world that we are real people with real problems, how are they supposed to believe that there is a real God who meets those needs? If I constantly go around acting like I have no more heartache and no more suffering just because I call myself a Christ-follower, then I do not speak the TRUTH. If I am not honest about my own struggles to trust and believe God's Word in the midst of those trials, I invite people into an unrealistic view of life. The "name it and claim it" movement of the 80s touted just such a philosophy. Problems? Those are of the devil - renounce them and live in VICTORY! Financial troubles? Satan is just trying to get you down. Just hold up your Bible and say, "I am RICH in Christ!" You will have no more trouble. And if you are not healthy, wealthy, and completely happy, then you are not living in God's will and need to repent.

I do not believe that is how Jesus ever intended us to live. He said, "In this world you WILL have troubles. But take heart, I have OVERCOME the world." If naming and claiming was all that was needed, then Lazarus would not have died, and there would have been no need for Jesus to OVERCOME death by raising Lazarus to life again.

So, here is the truth. I'm having a hard time trusting God. I'm struggling with life's hardships. I'm a bit like Job - no, a lot like Job. At first he said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. May the name of the Lord be praised." Still more trouble came. And Job said, "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" And he DID NOT sin. But trial after trial hit him and the struggling became intense. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. There was no bright and happy ending. And finally, Job - like any human being - said, "Fine. I've had enough. God can stop punishing me now. I have trusted and I have not let go of my integrity. But still the wicked prosper. I'm done. I quit."

And oh boy - did his so-called spiritual friends jump his case!! They said, “You don’t have enough faith!!” “You are blaspheming God!” “Who are YOU to think you can question what God does?!” And they mocked Job. They didn’t like his honesty. His TRUTH – his very realness – made them uncomfortable. They hid behind their spirituality and said, “Put those secrets back where they belong. And stop being so dramatic – get over it.”

But Job didn’t get over it – he asked the tough questions. He shouted and cried and questioned God. This is what he said to his friends who begged him to be silent and never waver in his faith:

“Keep silent and let me speak; then let come to me what may. Why do I put myself in jeopardy and take my life in my hands? Though He slay me, yet will I HOPE in Him; I will surely defend my ways to His face…Listen carefully to my words; let your ears take in what I say. Now that I have prepared my case, I KNOW I will be vindicated. Can anyone bring charges against me? If so, I will be silent and die. Only grant me these two things, O God, and then I will not hide from You: Withdraw Your hand far from me, and stop frightening me with your terrors. Then summon me and I will answer, or let me speak, and you reply” (Job 13:13-15; 17-22).

Do you think God was big enough to handle that? Do you think that God said, “Job, you need to stop this nonsense?” NO – God said, “Ask. Question. Wrestle. And then I will show you what my power looks like. I will show you who is really in charge.” God knows the human heart. He knows we are weak and that we doubt. He knows we struggle with trust. He knows that we hurt. The more Job wrestled with his thoughts, his emotions, and with God, the more God proved Himself to Job. At one point Job said, “I KNOW my Redeemer lives, and in the end He will stand upon the earth” (Job 19:25). And after yet another round of questioning, Job said, “As surely as God lives, who has denied me justice, the Almighty, who has made me taste bitterness of soul, as long as I have life within me, the breath of God in my nostrils, my lips will not speak wickedness, and my tongue will utter no deceit. I will NEVER admit you [my tormentors] are in the right; till I die, I WILL NOT deny my integrity. I will maintain my righteousness and NEVER let go of it” (Job 27:2-6a).

Job still wanted an answer from God. He still wanted to know that he had an ADVOCATE, an AVENGER. He cried and he despaired…and God answered. God revealed Himself to Job – He let Job get all his doubts out on the table and then He dispelled them, one by one. “Then Job replied to the Lord: ‘I know that You can do all things; no plan of Yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer Me.’ My ears had heard of You but NOW my eyes have SEEN You’” (Job 42:1-5).

Without the doubt, Job could never have learned to trust. Without the questions, Job would never have learned the answers. Without despair, Job would not have recognized HOPE. Without the truth, Job would have lost his integrity.

So, I am here – at the Job moment of my life – questioning, wrestling, despairing, and searching desperately for hope. I speak the TRUTH so that the light of it will show me the way. I refuse to hide in the darkness; I refuse to lose my integrity just because it might make others uncomfortable for me to ask the tough questions. I do KNOW that my Redeemer lives, but to be totally honest, He feels very far away from me right now. I question all I’ve ever KNOWN, all I’ve ever BELIEVED. I wrestle because I have to settle in my heart that God’s ways are right and true and His plan for me will NOT be thwarted.

And if that makes you uncomfortable, then all I can say is this: why don’t you just admit that you have the same fears, the same questions, and the same doubts? Do you think God can handle that? You see, healing is a choice. It doesn’t just happen. Steve Arterburn puts it this way –

“Many are living the big lie that if we are real Christians, we should experience a real peace in all circumstances. The lie only serves to delay the pain that must be experienced as a gift from God…the claim of instant peace can lead us to constant and ongoing pain that will not die until we feel it, express it, understand it, and resolve it. The big lie prevents us from healing. It moves us into superficiality and fake connection. Feeling our lives and the pain in them allows us to connect in authentic and intimate ways…pain leaves us empty so that we can fill up on God” (Healing is a Choice, pp 42-44).

Here’s my pain…I’m ready to ask God the tough questions.

God, why have You allowed these things to happen in my life this year? I don’t like it! I want it to stop!! Answer me!! Don’t hide from me! And while You’re at it, God, don’t You think I’ve experienced just about enough?

• ·         A parent with an injury that required 4 months of rehab
• ·         A parent experiencing an open-heart surgery
• ·         A life-changing living situation with added responsibilities
• ·         A totaled car
• ·         A back injury that plagues me even today
• ·         A son who experienced heartache and trouble at school
• ·         Parents that continue to have troubling health issues
• ·         A father with cancer
• ·         A daughter who allows bitterness to stand between us
• ·         An ex-husband who decided to sue me for custody
• ·         An ex-husband who, despite knowing that what he wanted was based on lies, still cost me thousands of dollars in expenses to end up with a result that is precisely as it was prior to this nonsense
• ·         A sociopathic supervisor who wanted nothing more than to destroy me in order to save herself from being destroyed for her own incompetency
• ·         A loss of position, reputation, and the major contribution to our family income

This is NOT fair, God! This is NOT how it is supposed to be! Answer me!! Tell me WHY! Don’t let me lose my integrity in this – SHOW me so that I can SEE.

I’m in my Job moment…and I am waiting.

Friends are Friends Forever

"Make new friends, but keep the old;

one is silver and the other gold."

I love my friends! God has blessed me many times over with friends from all over the world. I can look on my Facebook page and find friends from EVERY era of my life.


There is...
* Debbie, one of the first kids I remember from childhood - Stilwell days
* Karla, the girl I most wanted to be like - Armourdale days
* Stacy, a friend from grade school - Rushton days
* Denise, my constant companion on Outlook - Mission days
* Diana, a faithful friend who was always willing to play - Lorraine days
* Jean, my Sunday School buddy - Fairview MB days
* Judy & Georgean, classmates and fellow basketball friends - Chamberlain days
* Rita, one of my best friends ever and the one who helped me dare to do things I never thought I could do - Junior High Running Around days
* Dawn, another BEST friend God blessed me with in high school - BYF days
* Veronica, the only person I ever wanted as a "dog," because she was so stinkin' loyal - Music Group days
* Becky K, a mentor and a believer in my spiritual gifts - Armourdale: Take II days
* Cindy, someone God knew I would need during a particularly challenging season of my life - CUBI days
* Arlene, the sweetest friend a young wife and mother could ever have - Highland View days
* Amanda, a sweetheart who allowed me to pour spiritual truths into her life, and who now ministers to me with her depth of spiritual passion - SLTFC days
* Becky H, a "sorority of mothers" friend who stood by me during our daughters' terrible twos and beyond! - Armourdale: Take III days
* Kristen, loyal and faithful, a friend for all times - YFC days
* Geneva, the first friend I made in a new town, and the one who I dared to think wanted MY job - Ebenfeld days
* Shannon, Jami, and Jennifer E, MY girls who have given me some of my favorite memories - MBY days
* Kelly, the mom of one of the sweetest little students I could have ever had - Piano Studio days
* Carol, a friend who has always wanted the best for me, and believes in me even today - Parkview days
* Sheryl, a no-frills friend who reminds me not to take myself so seriously - Lunch Bunch days
* Aleen, a professor who poured her life into me and saw things in me that I could not see in myself - SE Asia days
* Misty, a fellow student, partner in research, and faithful friend - Tabor days
* Ti, one of the best darn case managers I've ever met - ComCare days
* Helen, a sweet, faithful prayer warrior who ministered to me in a very dark moment - Kidron days
* Ashley, a smart and beautiful young lady who renewed my passion for parenting - WTC days
* Chris, one of the most fun-loving, creative people I have ever met; she keeps me young - NMC days
* Lyndsay, unconditional love - KHC days
* Moon, my sweet Asian buddy, who captured my heart and curiosity the first time I ever saw her - Newton days
* Kristina, a mom who's strength and determination I admire more than she can ever know - Halstead days


And, because she will be extremely offended if I DON'T mention her - the best friend I have ever had, my sister for 43 years, and the one I turn to first when I need a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold - Roxie.


So many eras, so many friends. So many ways God has shown His love and grace to me through the years. There are some friends I have worked hard to keep in contact with, others for whom Facebook is the only method we have to renew our friendship, and then some friends who have always pursued me - even when I didn't feel like I was worth pursuing in friendship.


Jennifer S. is one of those friends who has pursued me and made sure I didn't turn my back on friendship. During some of my darkest times, Jennifer has been there. She calls me, texts me, Facebook chats with me. She seeks me out and reminds me what being a true friend is all about.


Jennifer and I met when she was probably about 13 or 14. I'm not sure exactly because all I knew was she was one of the teenagers God had placed in my life to love and minister to, and that's all that mattered. Jennifer absolutely loved my kids. She and her sister, Kristen, were the first girls I'd call to come babysit Heather and Aaron when they were young. She and Kristen would steal Aaron out of my arms at YFC rallies and take him downstairs, where they would feed him as many dill pickle chips as he wanted (thanks for the diapers that followed, Jennifer!). Jennifer, Kristen, and three other girls from our "group" at YFC went outlet shopping together, and had sleepovers. After I left KC and moved to Hillsboro, Jennifer wrote me letters, called me often, and kept me informed on her life. When she went to college, I'd often get long phone calls full of all the latest happenings. Through Jennifer's constant connection with me, I was able to experience many parts of her life that I otherwise would have missed.

Today, Jennifer is probably my most faithful Facebook friend. We talk often and she always comments on my posts and pictures. If I share something that lets her know I'm having a bad day, I can be assured she will either text, call, or chat with me to see what's happening with me. We talk about everything under the sun.


One of the greatest blessings I've had in my friendship with Jennifer is that she has allowed me to know her family - to be a part of her kids' lives. This past year Jennifer and her husband embarked on a life-changing journey to adopt a little girl from China. I have been so honored to walk alongside them and to have the opportunity to pray for their journey.


Jennifer's family travels from KC to Arizona at least twice a year, and they always make a point to stop and visit either on the way out or on the trip back. Saturday night we met at The Bread Basket in Newton for the German buffet as they were coming home from vacation. What fun it was to spend a couple of hours with Jennifer & Jeff and their four precious children - Alexander, Zachary, Samuel, and Myah. We laughed a lot, talked a mile a minute, and played with the kids.


I'm so thankful that God put Jennifer in my life and that He continues to nurture our friendship with His love.

Little Miss Myah - a bit grumpy from the long ride in the car, but

still so funny with all her cute expressions!

Momma gave Myah Zachary's hat and she promptly covered her face with it.

Samuel sat across from me. I don't think this smile left his face

all evening long!

Alexander found a friend in Paul. They visited the whole time

and played games together. (Notice that Zachary is hiding - he was determined I would NOT get a picture of him!)

I'm pretty sneaky myself! While Paul distracted him with his iPhone, 

I got a great picture of Mr. Zachary. Later, he said,

"You need to delete that picture of me." NO SIR. Way too cute!

Before long, things started getting a bit silly.

And pretty soon, the other kid joined in...:)

Things That Go "Bump" in the Night

I've been thinking about the subject of this post for awhile now, but finding the time and a quiet place to write it has been a challenge! Tonight I decided it's never going to get written if I don't just do it. So, here goes...


As a young mother, I learned very quickly to keep one ear "awake" even as I slept. I listened for every little sound Heather might make - or NOT make. I heard every rustle of the blankets, every baby sigh, and the sweet sounds of a just awakened child as she babbled to herself.


As Heather grew and the boys came along, I adapted to the sounds of a full home. Rarely did we have a night without some sort of "noise" occurrence. One of the most funny moments was the night I heard the screen door open. I told my husband that someone had either come in or had gone out. While he thought I was crazy, I knew my "momma ears" by now and they didn't deceive me! Sure enough, when we got up to look, there was our 5-year old Jonathan, relieving himself on the neighbors' garage wall!


Through the years I have learned to tune my ears to hear the door open and close as a late-night teenager came in, trying not to wake me (RIGHT). I can almost hear the phone BEFORE it rings, especially when it's past curfew. I am instantly awake at the sound of footsteps coming into my room and the voice of Jonathan or Ryan saying, "Mom, can I talk to you?" I wouldn't trade these "bumps in the night" for anything. They are sure signs of my children exercising their limited independence, learning to find their way while remaining in the secure environment of my home, and struggling with new thoughts and ideas. These "bumps" are the meat and potatoes of family life.


In the last six months, I have added new "bumps in the night" to my listening repertoire. I have moved from worrying about Jonathan coming in late at night, to wondering if the sound I just heard was Mom falling as she made her way to the restroom, or Dad falling out of bed as a result of one of his wild and crazy dreams. I now hear every creak of the floor boards, every squeak of the door hinges, and every scuffle sound of the walker as Mom moves across the room. And for me, these "bumps" are just as nerve-wracking as any my children ever made! I'm a worrier by nature - I love my family and I am constantly thinking of their well-being. So, sometimes, I just lie there and wait - wait for the bump that I know is bound to happen sooner or later.


One night as I was in my "worry before it happens" state, a little song from my kids' childhoods came to mind. Suddenly, I wasn't listening for the inevitable sounds of movement and the vivid imaginings that follow those sounds - I was listening to Junior Asparagus singing,

"God is bigger than the Boogie Man! He's bigger than Godzilla or the monsters on TV! Oh, God is bigger than the Boogie Man - and He's watching out for you and me!"

Oh, the wisdom contained in those simple lines. Junior later sings, "So, are you frightened? No, not really! Are you scared? Not a bit! I know whatever's gonna happen, that God can handle it!" Wow - God can handle it! He is big enough to handle anything that happens - whether I can see it or not. He's big enough to take care of the "things that go bump in the night." Since that evening, I've been able to rest more easily - I don't worry about what might happen nearly as much. I'm learning to be comfortable with the possibility that something will go "bump." And all because of a little song sung by a baby vegetable...amazing.

"What time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee."
Psalm 56:3

Sara Smiles

Dear Sara:

Sara Marie Shields Priddy
June 20, 1961-March 22, 2006

I've been thinking a lot about you lately and I decided tonight would be a good time to write you a letter. I have so much to tell you!

Jordan and Zach are growing into such fine young men, Sara. It's hard to believe that our little Jordan D
avid will be 16 this summer! He's taller than his dad - can you believe it? Mom and I just marvel at how much he looks and even acts like Kirk at this age. When they were here the last time I was super impressed with his maturity and level-headedness. He's a wonderful big brother to Zach, just like you taught him to be. He's still just as sweet and inquisitive as ever, and those traits just enhance his intelligence and natural born desire to learn. I still see some of the things we saw in him as a young child, but I also see this wonderfully bright and well-adjusted young man taking the place of our little boy. You can be very proud of Jordan, Sara - he's an amazing kid.

Zachary just continues to be the light of everyone's life. He's so personable and sweet! He's full of energy and life! He reminds me so of you - I don't think he's ever met a stranger. Zach has your temperament and your beautiful features. His eyes are so big and beautiful, and he has the longest lashes ever! Zach keeps everyone laughing with his funny stories and his big questions. When I look at him, I see you - what an awesome tribute he is to your sweet spirit! It seems like just yesterday we were sitting in the Neo-Natal Unit at the hospital holding our little, bitty monkey baby, wondering what life would hold for him and knowing that with his fighting spirit he would be up to any challenge he might face.

Sara, you'd be so proud of Kirk and the way he has handled the last six years. I've been simply amazed by his capacity to face the struggles that have come his way, and to not only face them, but meet them with grace and strength. I know he probably doesn't feel strong some days - maybe most days - but, Sara, he really is one of the strongest people I know. When I think back to those dark days in 1988-89, I'm still very grateful to God that He surrounded Kirk with such wonderful people as you and his other friends. But mostly, I thank God for you. Your courage and belief in him helped Kirk to not only survive that obstacle but to thrive.

He is such a good parent, carrying on all the things you and he had determined you wanted for your boys. He teaches them the values you shared, and keeps your memory alive by instilling in them a love for nature, for peace, and for the Lord. The boys adore him and he adores them. He has never once complained about the path he has to walk. He just gets up every day, takes care of your sons, and provides for them in the best way he knows how - and with every step he honors you.

Do you remember one of our last conversations? You, Kirk, and I decided that it would be so good for Mom (and for Dad) if we could have some concentrated time with her, focusing on her healthcare and helping her get the supports she needed to continue to have a positive quality of life. Well, we didn't get to do those things for her at that time. When we lost you, it took us all a long while to "right our ships." Some things just had to be put aside while we learned to live life without you in it.

I'm so happy to be able to tell you that today Mom and I completed a four-month journey toward better health for her. She had the last of a series of health tests last night, and today walked out of an office with a safe pair of walking shoes. She has been under the care of a wonderful doctor for the last few months, and with her help, Mom has had every body system checked. Her medicines are doing what they should for her, she sleeps well, she feels good, and she is happy. As we reflected today on our recent journey, I said, "Mom, what a fitting way to honor Sara's memory. This is exactly what she wanted for you!" Mom readily agreed. She has often mentioned how much you cared about her and how she knew that you wanted her to feel good and to be able to enjoy life. We go into tomorrow knowing that we have fulfilled one of your greatest wishes for her, and that makes me feel so good. Mom's current state of health is a tribute to you and your love for personal health and wholeness.

I found love, Sara, last year. How I wish you could meet Paul! You would so love him and he would love you, too! He is a lover of nature and the beauty that God has created. I can't wait to get him out to the Pacific Northwest so I can show him the places you loved. Now I know the kind of love you and Kirk shared because I have found it with Paul. You were so right when you said you wanted me to have more, to know true love, and to be happy.

The first Christmas you knew me - 1988 - you gave me a book called, "Growing Closer." It was a book about friendships and you had selected it for me because you knew I valued all of my friendships so much. I have learned many things from that book through the years. I had the privilege of being able to use it to help people in recovery learn to be true friends to others. The book's contents brought out some wonderful and honest conversations. I saw women working at their relationships with other women, and witnessed your legacy in action. I pray that today they continue to honor your memory by being the kind of friend that you were to so many others.

Tomorrow is Sara Smiles Day, my dear sister. It's the day I choose to remember you and honor your life by sharing with others a smile and a flower. Each year I choose 3-4 friends who have made an impact on me during the previous year and bless them with a flower in your memory. I can't come to Washington to visit you each March 22, so I visit your memory with flowers for my friends. I know no better way to honor you and to keep you close to my heart.

Tonight, I will shed a few tears, smile a bit at the funny memories we share, and thank God profusely for allowing me to know you and love you. I wish I could reach out right now and give you a hug, but I will store up my hugs to shower upon you when we meet in Heaven someday. Until then, I will share love with others because you shared your love with me. I still can't believe I can't just pick up the phone and call you, or see your beautiful smile. But I always feel your spirit, and I will always hold your close in my heart.

Until we meet again,
Love,
Kerry

Waiting for the Soup Sign

In early 1993 my mother tripped on a chair and fell. What she thought was a twist and some muscle pain in her low back turned out to be two cracked vertebrae and a diagnosis of osteoporosis. Over the last 19 years her bones have gradually degenerated, causing discomfort, pain, and limited mobility. We had hoped that with time, rest, and treatment she would regain some of her former strength, but as the years have gone by we have watched as she is able to do less and less.


In 2002 Mom spent an extended period of time in the hospital following another fall in which she received several compression fractures. The realization of how much her life had been altered was easy enough for me to see. During those weeks I began to plan for the changes we would need to make in her home and routine in order to accommodate her new limitations. One afternoon, Dad and I sat at his kitchen table discussing what I assumed we both knew to be the realities of our situation.


Then Dad made a comment that stunned me. He said, "I'm just waiting for Wanda to come home and get better. I'm waiting for the day when she can do all the things again that she once did. Do you remember how active she was when you were a little girl? I can't wait for her to be like that again." I almost cried as I began to understand what Dad was really saying. I gently reminded him that Mom would never be like she was in the early '70s - even if she hadn't fallen prey to osteoporosis, the natural aging process would have already rendered a return to that busy lifestyle impossible. He reluctantly agreed and we moved on to our task at hand.


A few months later, Mom was home, getting around fairly well, and the holidays were approaching. Dad wrote his annual Christmas letter, updating family and friends and wishing all a Merry Christmas. As he talked about the changes of the last year, he said, "I always know when Wanda is back to what she used to be when the Soup Sign comes out. When she makes a big pot of vegetable soup, then I know she is back to her old self and can enjoy life like she did when she was younger."


The Soup Sign - that was Dad's way of saying that he still saw Mom as she was in her 30s or even in her 40s. It was Dad's way of convincing himself that Mom's health hadn't been compromised - that she was still just as able-bodied as she ever had been. The Soup Sign was his safety net - if she was well enough to make soup, surely she was well enough to do all the things they used to do together, right?


My brother and I shared a laugh about the Soup Sign and the ridiculousness of such a statement. Mom's life was irreversibly compromised. She was, in 2002, the strongest she would be for the rest of her life. We both knew she would continue to go downhill physically, and her ability to conduct the activities of daily living would only weaken. How could Dad even suggest that the Soup Sign meant anything more than just that she had the strength that day to make a meal? How could he hold on to the notion that the Soup Sign meant she was being restored? Couldn't he see that she was not going to change?


I've struggled with the Soup Sign for years now. I've inwardly cringed when I hear Dad talking about how one day Mom will be better and we just have to believe. I've reminded him time and again that Mom will continue to worsen until she is completely without the ability to get around by herself. Every time we have this discussion Dad says, "I suppose you're right. I just need to accept the fact that this is the way she is." And yet, a few weeks, a few months later he pulls out the Soup Sign again.


I have a Soup Sign of my own. I've been waiting for it to show itself for years - 26 years to be exact. Every so often I think I can see it - the sign is being hoisted up and this time, THIS time, things will be different. THIS time I will see what I've always wanted to see. THIS time I won't see what's been and what's wrong, but a new and improved situation.


Today I woke up thinking about my Soup Sign. Another opportunity for it to make its presence known recently appeared. And I found myself thinking the same things, "Maybe this time. Isn't restoration near now? It's the Soup Sign!! All the ingredients are ready - the recipe is right there for the taking. All we need now is for the pieces to be joined and the flavors will mix into a wonderful new concoction - and it will be a time of richness and fullness." But it didn't happen. And do you know what I heard my husband say to me? He said, "Kerry, the Soup Sign will never happen. This situation will continue to worsen until it is completely without the ability to rectify itself. Perhaps it already has reached that point. There is no Soup Sign."


No Soup Sign. Only the stark realization that the fantasy I have clung to for so long has rotted away right before my eyes. The thin skins of denial have sloughed off and I am left holding a rotten, smelly, piece of garbage.


I think King David had a Soup Sign. Read through the Psalms and see how many times he asks God to change a situation, to make his enemies flee, to avenge David and bring God's  righteous anger down upon the land. David started many of his laments this way: "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?...How long will my enemy triumph over me?" (Ps. 13:1, 2b) In other words, "How long, God, until you fix this situation? How long until you answer me the way I want you to? How long until the Soup Sign returns?" In Psalm 22 David says, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?" (vs. 1).


David wanted a Soup Sign - he wanted it so desperately that sometimes it was all he could think about. He fantasized about the day when God's vengeance would fall on those who pursued him. He dreamed about the day when his life would be restored and all his troubles would be gone. But in spite of all his hoping, all his scheming, all his dreaming that Saul would eventually give up and welcome David back into his court, the Soup Sign never came out. Things got so desperate that David ended up hiding in the caves because Saul sought his very life. And I believe it was during those dark, desperate days that David came to the realization that he, too, was holding the thin skins of denial. When reality came washing over David he saw that rather than nourishing, tasty, life-giving soup, he was left with a piece of garbage. Then, and only then, was David able to change his laments into praise. Then David testified, "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me." (13:5-6)


Today I choose to put away the Soup Sign. I will no longer wait for something that will never be. I choose to stop living in the denial I have wrapped myself in for so many years. I choose to join David and say, "I trust in your unfailing love...I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me."


So, where's YOUR Soup Sign?